Life Updates

Goodness it has been a while! I thought I would just update on what's been going on in my life :)

Back in November I started working at Pomeroy's Mens and Missionary store. It has been such a fun experience! I only work part time so we can save up some extra cash for when I become a stay at home mommy. I work with all guys (well, besides the owner!) and have had to learn how to measure guys for suits, shirts, shoes, etc. It's been so great to learn about suits and also being surrounded by young men, and sometimes women!, preparing to go on missions always helps me to remember my own mission in Chile. One day a kid was even preparing to go to MY MISSION. I was beyond excited that he would meet many of the same people as I did. 

And plus, Pomeroys has some of the BEST prices in town and it's one store where you can get EVERYTHING you need for a mission. Super nice, right? :)

The holidays came and went super fast and this little girl has been growing like crazy!

 18 Weeks

22 Weeks

Please excuse the super messy mirror! 

30 Weeks

Right now I am 30 weeks and 3 days! So technically 7 1/2 months ish. That works, right? Hahahaha! 

At our 28 week ultrasound our doctor was a little worried that baby girl was measuring a bit small for her gestational age. So she sent us to a specialist doctor that works with high risk pregnancies, but also one that just is a double checker for anything that could be a problem. We had a super long ultrasound there (and baby girl kicked the ultrasound tech so hard! The force is strong with this one) and they said she looks fantastic, but that her belly seemed to be a little small. The doctor there wasn't worried one bit, but he is having me go back in 3 weeks to see if she is growing properly and told me she is just likely to be a small baby. Me and Phil are just happy she is healthy even if she may be small!

REAL TALK

Ok time to get a little real with you guys. Where do I even start?

Many of you know that I miscarried last year in May (and this girl is due May 4th. Crazy how that happened) and it was extremely hard on me. So I thought that when I actually got pregnant and the baby was fine that I would be SO HAPPY being pregnant. I've seen so many young moms post and talk about their baby bumps and oh how they just love being pregnant. Well, to quote Wendy from What to Expect When You're Expecting, pregnancy sucks. 

Now hear me out, please!!!  I love my daughter more than she will ever know and I thank God every day that she is healthy, all mine, and that I get to be her mom. But pregnancy has been really hard me emotionally. Sure the swollen ankles and not being able to wear my wedding ring stink, but I can live with that. The emotional toll has been something harder than I ever imagined. 

I have always struggled loving my body and having good self esteem. Not fitting into my clothes sends me on emotional roller coasters that lead to crying and stuffing my face with sweets (hormones!). Then to know that I have gained now 27/28 lbs also sends me into a depressed mood. A lot of the times when this happens I end up on social media, either Instagram or Pinterest, looking at and searching those "fit mommies" and "how to stay fit while pregnant" or "prenatal diet" or even "prenatal exercises". Those moments usually end with me crying or feeling like the worlds fattest human being and then the thoughts "why can't you be skinny like her Robyn?" or "why can't you be a fit pregnant lady what only gains 20 lbs?" come to my mind.

So toxic, isn't it? When people approach me at church or in public and ask how I am doing, I just want to so badly say that I am not 100% happy. Then they ask how being pregnant is and sometimes when I say "Oh I can't wait to be done" they look at me as if I am the world's worst mom! But I don't want to lie, right? 

It wasn't until about a few weeks ago that this all changed. I finally decided to rid myself of Instagram. If you follow me then you know that I decided to get off. It was beyond toxic for me and comparing myself to others is unhealthy. That habit can lead to worse habits. Another thing that changed this was when I was getting into our car outside my mother-in-laws house. I guess we had parked the car on a little slant and I didn't notice. When I stepped from the curb down to the road to get into my car, my foot landed wrong and I just fell. Thankfully the car door helped me kind of catch myself and Phil was right there. But man it scared me so bad. I rolled my ankle from it and Phil helped me into the car. I immediately started crying and thought that my little girl was dead. We sat in the car for about 5 minutes until we felt her move and she did. Even writing about this now brings tears to my eyes just thinking what would have happened if I lost her. This small moment makes me realize just how grateful and happy I am to be carrying this precious little one. 

It's really hard to remind myself that my body is doing something amazing. It is LITERALLY creating a human. When I have those moments where I get to sit down and ponder it, my heart is so full and I am so happy that this is my life. Over two years ago when I got home from Chile, I never would have thought this would be my life. Time passes so fast! 

While pregnancy may be hard, especially messing with your emotions, it truly is wonderful. I think the one of the few parts I love is when I can physically see her move in my belly. It's so weird, but so incredible! I've realized just how much Satan will use any tactic to get you to doubt your self worth and beauty. He has tried to use something so beautiful and amazing as pregnancy to make me hate this body God has given me. I am learning each day how to fight off those feelings that don't come from my Heavenly Father and gain testimony through what my body is doing that God lives and this was His plan.

So to all you future mommas out there that may feel horrible for not loving pregnancy life, you are not alone. It's hard! When those bad thoughts get to you, remember just how amazing your body is for creating this little human.