Before I even begin, let me just say that every mother is AMAZING. I didn't realize how hard it is to be a mother until I was one. It's a hard job! Whether you are stay-at-home or working. It's hard. And fed is best. Always.
MY PLANS BEFORE THE BABY
Before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant I was DEAD SET on breastfeeding. I even got the pump, the pads, nursing pillow, nursing cover, nipple cream, etc. I also lived in Chile for 18 months where I saw women breastfeed just about every day. At first I was weirded out that none of them covered, but then I got used to it and came to the point of "if your child is hungry, feed them!".
Breastfeeding is natural. I love that about breastfeeding. God created women's bodies so uniquely that we can literally nurture our children FOR FREE and with our bodies. Cool, huh?
BIRTH
If you haven't read my birth story then click here, but also here's the short version. My whole pregnancy I was so nervous something would go wrong (I miscarried last year so that's probably why). Labor went normal until after an hour of pushing when my daughters heart dropped. The doctor and nurses were wonderful and got her out right away. My husband and them immediately noticed that she was bruised all over. Especially her head from the vacuum. They whisked her away to the NICU and found that she had a dangerously low level of platelets in her blood and would receive a blood transfusion that night.
Since I had an epidural I wasn't allowed to leave the bed for a few hours. Well, she needed to eat so I am sure you can guess what she got. A bottle.
Now I want to make it clear that I could NEVER EVER be mad at the nurses and doctors in the NICU for giving her a bottle. She needed to eat and I couldn't provide that at the time. I could literally bow down to all of the nurses that took care of her because they are amazing people.
We tried breastfeeding that same day. We tried it every feeding while in the hospital. She would latch so well and suck 2 times maybe and then freak out. She really would freak out!
We also found out from my doctor that my daughter should have died. That was hard news to hear! When we got home I was in such a whirlwind of emotions. We tried breastfeeding a lot.
THE FIRST MONTH HOME
People say how you feel such a special bond with your baby when breastfeeding. I am sure most people do. It is special. But for me? No. I never felt that. I honestly did not love my daughter when trying to breastfeed. When she would scream and cry, I felt like screaming and crying. Her pediatrician then DRILLED me at her 1 week check up for not breastfeeding. I left the appointment crying and kept trying.
I thought about all the moms I'd seen on social media that breastfeed their babies. Talk about how its the best way to feed. Say how they bond with their babies. I wasn't feeling this bond and every minute of every day I just sat and thought about how horrible of a mom I was. I felt horrible that I couldn't do something women were created to do! I felt horrible because I wasn't bonding with my daughter. I felt horrible because she literally almost died. I felt horrible because my hormones were on a roller coaster ride. I felt horrible because postpartum depression was sneaking its way into my life.
I kind of gave up for a few weeks and just used pumped milk in a bottle. It was at a 3 week check up when her pediatrician drilled me for what seemed like the millionth time. So I said to myself that I would give it a few more tries and if it didn't work, I was done.
I got home, stripped down and also got my baby naked so it could also be some skin to skin time. I got my milk going before and had everything ready. It didn't end well. My daughter screamed and screamed. I sat there balling my eyes. Literally crying to her saying sorry for being a bad mom.
I wish I could go back to that moment. I wish I could back SO BAD! I wish I could shake myself and say, "You are a wonderful mother!".
Ladies, I want you to know that I am doing the best I can and what is best for my life and my daughter. To the mothers who bottle feed their babies, good for you! To the mothers who breastfeed their babies, good for you!
You are NOT a bad mom for bottle feeding your baby. I was in the grocery store the other day when an older lady came and told me how cute and chubby my daughter was. She then said, "she must be a breastfed baby". Oh how I wanted to smack this lady so hard! I said, "actually she is bottlefed". The lady didn't say a word and walked away. This isn't the only time this has happened people.
My daughter is growing. My daughter is chubby! My daughter is happy. My daughter is FED.
If there is anything I want you to get from this, it's that you are a wonderful mom. Don't ever feel bad that you are feeding your baby from the bottle. Don't ever feel bad if you don't breastfeed for that long. Don't ever feel like you "failed" at breastfeeding. Don't feel bad if you didn't make it to your goal for how long you wanted to breastfeed. You do what is best for your sanity, baby, significant other, and life. We're all struggling in our own ways. Let's just support each other on this journey of motherhood. Because its HARD.
NOW
I only use formula for my baby and she is happy as a clam. As for my future kids, I still plan on breastfeeding them.
Thanks for reading my random thoughts on this.
