My Postpartum Journey

This post is not just for mothers, but for women everywhere. I am going to get real and personal so just be ready! 

Today I woke up and decided to actually shower before my 8 month old woke up. This never happens! As I was getting undressed the thought came to my mind to weigh myself. We've all heard that without clothes and in the morning you will get the best weight. 

So I step onto the scale and to my surprise see that I am only 5 lbs from my pre-baby weight! I so badly wanted to jump up and down for joy, but that didn't happen. 

I actually was upset. Upset with myself that I had obsessed over this. 

All through high school I struggled with being overweight. Even my first year of college I was 20 lbs heavier than I am now. During my mission is when I lost it. Walking all day every day in ridiculously hot weather can help with that! And also in Chile the amount of fresh veggies and fruits is amazing. (but I didn't eat the bread!) Coming home from my mission I noticed that a lot of guys I knew before were actually starting to notice me now. I was going on dates left and right. But it BUGGED me so bad that before when I was overweight, guys didn't want anything to do with me. 

I managed to keep the weight off even after getting married and until I got pregnant and gained 40 lbs. There were times when I was so mad about gaining that, but there were more times when I delighted in the fact of being pregnant and eating whatever the heck I wanted. 

Oh how I wish I could go back and tell pregnant me to stop obsessing over it. 

I am now almost 8 months postpartum and still 5 lbs from that prebaby weight. 

I thought about that number I saw on the scale a lot this morning. One of the thoughts that came to my mind was, "that's it?". If you were to ask me how I would feeling at this weight 8 months ago I would have said amazed, ecstatic, awesome, beautiful. But I don't feel this way. 

BECAUSE MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH.

I think in our Instagram and Pinterest world, we obsess over being a certain weight or looking a certain way. Having that nice thin waist and gigantic booty. I am here to tell you that you are beautiful no matter what you weigh or what body type you have.

I have come to notice that I am happy and healthier when I just try to follow the Lord's law of health. In the LDS religion we believe in something called The Word Of Wisdom. Or in other words, the Lord's law of health. Most people think, "oh so you don't drink alcohol or coffee". Yes that's true, but it's so much more than that. 

We believe that we should eat meat sparingly. We believe that fruits and vegetables were created by God to help our bodies. We believe that we should nourish our physical bodies because they are gifts from God. We believe that physical activities help the health of our bodies.

Making these my thoughts when I am choosing what foods to eat are much nicer than the thought of, "you're fat and need to eat better" or "you won't lose weight eating that". 

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

As a fellow mom and friend, just be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself on your journey. The numbers don't define your worth to God.

5 and 6 Months!

I know, I know. I am a little late on this! And Marlee turns 7 months next week.....

Well first things first! We moved into our home!!!! We love being home owners. Even if that means we have to replace everything ourselves. Of course our disposal broke already, the doorbell wasn't working, the handle on the microwave broke, and way more that I can't list it all. But we love living in San Tan Valley and hope to stay here for a while.

Marlee is just growing like crazy! She's 26 inches tall and only weighs a small 15 lbs. At her last appointment the pediatrician wanted to see her back to make sure she was gaining weight. It was stressing me out so bad and since that pediatrician is now an hour drive from us, I just decided to switch doctors. We think Marlee just burns the calories so fast because she is always on the move. 

Marlee is crawling all over and saying "blah" all the time. She still sleeps amazing and naps ok. We love her so much! She is seriously always happy and laughs at almost everyone she sees. 

We have felt such a huge relief seeing Marlee crawl. It definitely gave me hope that she will walk just fine even with no toes on her left foot. The doctor even said that she is balancing when standing up and she's not worried about Marlee walking either. I am so dang proud of her for being so strong and developing rapidly fast. Like way too fast. She is getting so big and it's making me sad!

Bottle Feeding: My Story

Before I even begin, let me just say that every mother is AMAZING. I didn't realize how hard it is to be a mother until I was one. It's a hard job! Whether you are stay-at-home or working. It's hard. And fed is best. Always.

MY PLANS BEFORE THE BABY

Before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant I was DEAD SET on breastfeeding. I even got the pump, the pads, nursing pillow, nursing cover, nipple cream, etc. I also lived in Chile for 18 months where I saw women breastfeed just about every day. At first I was weirded out that none of them covered, but then I got used to it and came to the point of "if your child is hungry, feed them!". 

Breastfeeding is natural. I love that about breastfeeding. God created women's bodies so uniquely that we can literally nurture our children FOR FREE and with our bodies. Cool, huh?

BIRTH

If you haven't read my birth story then click here, but also here's the short version. My whole pregnancy I was so nervous something would go wrong (I miscarried last year so that's probably why). Labor went normal until after an hour of pushing when my daughters heart dropped. The doctor and nurses were wonderful and got her out right away. My husband and them immediately noticed that she was bruised all over. Especially her head from the vacuum. They whisked her away to the NICU and found that she had a dangerously low level of platelets in her blood and would receive a blood transfusion that night. 

Since I had an epidural I wasn't allowed to leave the bed for a few hours. Well, she needed to eat so I am sure you can guess what she got. A bottle.

Now I want to make it clear that I could NEVER EVER be mad at the nurses and doctors in the NICU for giving her a bottle. She needed to eat and I couldn't provide that at the time. I could literally bow down to all of the nurses that took care of her because they are amazing people.

We tried breastfeeding that same day. We tried it every feeding while in the hospital. She would latch so well and suck 2 times maybe and then freak out. She really would freak out! 

We also found out from my doctor that my daughter should have died. That was hard news to hear! When we got home I was in such a whirlwind of emotions. We tried breastfeeding a lot. 

THE FIRST MONTH HOME

People say how you feel such a special bond with your baby when breastfeeding. I am sure most people do. It is special. But for me? No. I never felt that. I honestly did not love my daughter when trying to breastfeed. When she would scream and cry, I felt like screaming and crying. Her pediatrician then DRILLED me at her 1 week check up for not breastfeeding. I left the appointment crying and kept trying. 

I thought about all the moms I'd seen on social media that breastfeed their babies. Talk about how its the best way to feed. Say how they bond with their babies. I wasn't feeling this bond and every minute of every day I just sat and thought about how horrible of a mom I was. I felt horrible that I couldn't do something women were created to do! I felt horrible because I wasn't bonding with my daughter. I felt horrible because she literally almost died. I felt horrible because my hormones were on a roller coaster ride. I felt horrible because postpartum depression was sneaking its way into my life.

I kind of gave up for a few weeks and just used pumped milk in a bottle. It was at a 3 week check up when her pediatrician drilled me for what seemed like the millionth time. So I said to myself that I would give it a few more tries and if it didn't work, I was done. 

I got home, stripped down and also got my baby naked so it could also be some skin to skin time. I got my milk going before and had everything ready. It didn't end well. My daughter screamed and screamed. I sat there balling my eyes. Literally crying to her saying sorry for being a bad mom. 

I wish I could go back to that moment. I wish I could back SO BAD! I wish I could shake myself and say, "You are a wonderful mother!". 

Ladies, I want you to know that I am doing the best I can and what is best for my life and my daughter. To the mothers who bottle feed their babies, good for you! To the mothers who breastfeed their babies, good for you! 

You are NOT a bad mom for bottle feeding your baby. I was in the grocery store the other day when an older lady came and told me how cute and chubby my daughter was. She then said, "she must be a breastfed baby". Oh how I wanted to smack this lady so hard! I said, "actually she is bottlefed". The lady didn't say a word and walked away. This isn't the only time this has happened people. 

My daughter is growing. My daughter is chubby! My daughter is happy. My daughter is FED. 

If there is anything I want you to get from this, it's that you are a wonderful mom. Don't ever feel bad that you are feeding your baby from the bottle. Don't ever feel bad if you don't breastfeed for that long. Don't ever feel like you "failed" at breastfeeding. Don't feel bad if you didn't make it to your goal for how long you wanted to breastfeed. You do what is best for your sanity, baby, significant other, and life. We're all struggling in our own ways. Let's just support each other on this journey of motherhood. Because its HARD.

NOW

I only use formula for my baby and she is happy as a clam. As for my future kids, I still plan on breastfeeding them. 

Thanks for reading my random thoughts on this. 

4 Months!

Marlee is 4 months and developing the CUTEST little personality!

For some odd reason my pediatrician decided to not be in work for like a whole week bumping back Marlee's 4 month check up by 2 weeks! So I seriously have no idea how much she weighs or how tall she is. All I know is that she's chubby and long. So there ya go!

These last 2 days Marlee has decided to become the world champion at rolling over and over again. I can't even turn my back for more than a second without her moving to a new spot. This girl is even prepping for crawling. She's crazy!

Marlee has also started to jabber or really just scream happiness. Hahaha! We went to Costco the other day and she made sure everyone knew she was there and she was happy. Same thing with Frys. She honestly is such a happy baby.

This week she has started to go to bed around 7 p.m. and it is GLORIOUS. I love my daughter, but I also love "me time". Phil also has a night class Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday so it's even MORE of "me time". I usually just end up watching TV with a bowl of ice cream or reading a book. 

 

We sure love this goofy little girl!