Friday, July 14, 2017

Reflections on my Miscarriage

I have spent a long time debating on writing a blog post about this experience. This is an experience close to not only my heart, but also my husband’s and our family and close friends. I have decided to share my experience of the miscarriage I had back in May. Yes, I know. Some of you might think this is crazy or too personal to share on here, but I am hoping that someone out there might need to hear what I have to say. I am not writing this for attention or pity. To be honest, I am not a big fan when attention is placed on me. Like I said, this is just to share what I have experienced and learned during this trial. This will be a bit of a longer post though so if you are ready, let’s go.

Birth Control
 When my husband and I were engaged we talked about our future plans a lot (which everyone should do!). When it came to the topic of kids and when we would have them, we were both set on waiting at least 2 or 3 years. That way we could finish our schooling and have some time just being the 2 of us. I decided to start the birth control pill 3 months before we got married. I was extremely new to birth control and lady doctor visits! The pill, to be quite frank, messed me up big time too. I was moody or either mad all the time and just not myself. Shortly after getting married we felt it was right to go off of it and one night we even just threw away the pack of pills looking forward to a normal happy Robyn again.

 Soon after I made the rash decision to get an IUD put in. My insurance covered it and I had no idea what else to do. I didn’t even talk much about the IUD with my husband, which I do not recommend doing. Even though my mind and the minds of close ones were dead set on us not have a baby soon, deep in my heart I wanted a baby oh so bad! I sometimes would purposefully wonder to the baby section and just look at those adorable baby clothes. I craft a lot and even would think about buying more baby craft materials for the future. I never wanted to tell my husband though because I thought he was set on waiting 3 years.

 After the IUD was put in (which was horribly painful) I had to have it taken out a month after. I guess my body didn’t react well and the IUD was starting to travel up my fallopian tube. That explained the hard cramps I had on one side of my stomach. My husband happened to be at my appointment that day they took out the IUD. I still remember this day vividly. We got into the car and I was so clueless on what to do next that I cried. Phil didn’t know what to do with me crying. I cried saying, “I don’t know what to do anymore”. Phil just responded, “I don’t either”. Then, without even thinking, I said, “Maybe we should just have a baby because obviously this isn’t working out”. Phil responded, “I have been feeling for the past month that we needed to start trying to have a baby, but was scared to tell you”. We were speechless. Immediately we went to the temple.

 Now I am not going to share what happened in the temple because that was a sacred experience that stays between my husband and I, but while in there and later while praying, we knew it was time to start trying. For anyone that is wondering if they should start trying, consult with the Lord. When you know, you know. The feeling and the promptings are so strong. I will never and can never deny that Heavenly Father answered our prayers and told us to start trying.

Well, we tried and succeeded way faster than expected! I got pregnant right off the bat. Even though I took about 10 negative pregnancy tests, I took one without even thinking it would be positive and sure enough, it was. I even made my husband go to WalMart with me because I couldn’t tell if there was an extra line on the test or not! Hahaha and we just had to buy the electric one that says “pregnant” or “not pregnant”.
The picture we used to tell our families

 Seeing that I was pregnant, I was petrified. I had run this moment through my mind before and thought I would be so excited, but I was just scared. There is a baby inside of me? What I eat and do really matters now? I was nervous beyond words. The next few weeks were a blur. Morning sickness never came, but food cravings and nauseas did. I hated the sight, smell, and taste of anything remotely sweet or sugary and just wanted to eat pickles and chicken. Pregnancy cravings are real. I was working out every day and eating super good because I knew that mattered with such a tiny one needing those nutritious things.

 My first appointment we found out I was barely 6 weeks along when we thought I was 9 weeks. The baby was so small and looked like a diamond on a ring (picture below). It was crazy to know that was in me! My doctor raised some concern about the heartbeat being low at 111 bpm and recommended that I come back in a week and make sure the heartbeat would go up. I personally did not want to go back because the doctor and staff were all rude to me that day (that is a whole different story). Phil told me not to go back and I was just fine with that.
6 weeks

 The day before my second appointment I was ready to cancel when they called to remind me. For some reason, I felt like I needed to go. I had no idea why, but I knew I needed to go. When they called I said I would be there for my appointment the next day.

 I will always remember the events of this day. Walking into that doctor’s office I never once thought I would be leaving in a short 30 minutes crying and clueless at why this was happening to me. The ultrasound tech started searching for my little one and it popped up on the big TV. The baby was so much bigger! I was so excited to see that it had just about tripled in size. It suddenly became more real to me. There is literally a baby inside of me and he or she is all mine! I wasn't scared anymore. The ultrasound tech wasn’t talking too much and I saw that she started measuring for the heartbeat. Then she measured it again. She measured it a third time. Then the fourth time I saw that there was no line that shows the heartbeat. It not even once crossed my mind that something was wrong. When I looked at the ultrasound techs face I could tell she looked worried. Was I worried? Not at all. Nothing was wrong and everything was just going to be so dandy.
7 weeks
The day we found out we had miscarried

 I was taken back to a room where I waited a good 20 minutes for the doctor to come back. Right before she came in, the thought came to me. “Last time the ultrasound tech told me the heartbeat and this time she didn’t. That is super odd”. Again, I wasn’t worried yet. The doctor came in.
She was super sweet and I actually had never met this doctor yet. After introducing herself she sat down and the first word out of her mouth gave it away. She said, “Unfortunately we were not able to find your baby’s heartbeat today”. Immediately I cried. What else could I do? What would anyone do in a situation like this? I just found out I was carrying a dead 7 week old baby inside of me. All of my plans and happiness looking toward the future with a baby in my arms were gone. My doctor was incredible. She rubbed my leg, hugged me, and kindly asked if I happened to have someone to help me (a significant other). I explained to her that my husband had to work and couldn’t make it today. The doctor then laid out my options and I don’t remember a word that she said. All I remember is her talking about some medication. I told her I would have to talk to my husband. She hugged me again, told me she was so sorry, and left the room.

 I honestly probably could have handled the situation better, but I didn’t. Especially since pregnancy hormones are a real thing too. They wanted me to schedule an appointment for 2 weeks and when literally crying so hard you can’t talk or breathe, it’s hard to tell the receptionist the days you are available. Through little gasps I said, “I will have to call back and schedule”. They’re faces said it all. Pity. They felt bad. Even the all the women in the waiting room had faces that screamed, "Ohh that poor girl". I didn’t need or want people’s pity though. I wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and never come out again. Walking down that lonely hall I called my husband. All I could muster out was that I miscarried and hung up the phone. I got into the truck and called my mom. By this time I was a bit calmer and explained it to her what had happened. All I remember saying to her was, “this sucks. I hate it. This really sucks mom!” Phil called me right back and said he would be home shortly.

 I crawled into bed once I was home and cried, cried, cried, and cried even more. Phil got home and crawled into bed with me. I don’t remember what I said, but I can guarantee it wasn’t nice things. I was angry, sad, upset, frustrated, and mindblown at what had just happened. We stayed in bed while Phil just held me and I soaked his shirt with tears. His boss told him to take the next day, Friday, off. We changed plans and decided to leave to go to my hometown Eagar earlier than planned for Memorial Day. Before though, I called the doctor back and went over my options again. She prescribed me a pill that would induce my labor. I told her I would be out of town about 4 hours away and she said I would probably be fine waiting a few days to take the pill. Text’s started flooding in. Family members saying, “Oh my gosh I am so sorry this happened to you. If you need anything I am here!” or “I love you! You can get through this!” This may sound harsh or mean, but I am positive I am not the only one with these feelings, but I hated those messages. They made me so mad! I just wanted to scream at them, “this doesn’t help! It’ll only help if you don’t bring it up!” I knew these people meant the best and really cared, but I really wanted the messages to stop.

Eagar was hard too. I felt pressure by my husband and family to take the pill there. That way they could be there to help me, especially my sister who also had a miscarriage a few years back. I couldn’t help but want to wait and take the pill in my home. The 4 days we spent in Eagar were full of emotions. My sister had just given birth a month before to a sweet little girl. I expected that seeing my new niece would be hard, but it was the most comfort I felt in those moments. Little Ivy healed me for those long moments where I just held her while she was fast asleep. That little piece of heaven healed me. When I saw anyone else’s baby though, I hated them. I became so jealous of them. While in Eagar we went to the little ShopKo there and I saw a girl I went to high school with. She had just given birth to a little boy. Seeing her, her husband, and that little baby was so hard. I broke down in the middle of ShopKo.

Later that night I had a dream. I am not someone who always has crazy dreams (there will be more posts about those dreams though) but one of those nights I did have one. Again, this is also a personal moment that I have decided not to share in depth. This dream though was a confirmation that I would have baby in the Lord’s time. That my sweet little one was still up there and right now wasn’t the right time yet for him or her to come down. The next day while holding Ivy, my mom came over and said, “don’t worry Ivy. Your little cousin will be here soon enough”. I feel like that was even more of a confirmation from my Heavenly Father that everything would be alright.

On our way home I started having some cramps and knew that my body was starting to pass the baby on it’s own. I took the pill as soon as we got home along with some oxycodone for the pain. Within the next 4 hours I passed the baby. That night my husband and his friend also gave me a blessing to ease the pain which helped significantly. Girls, please marry a man like my husband. What he did and is doing for me during this trial truly shows that he is incredible and a true man. I know he loves me more than life itself. While on the toilet knowing that I was about to pass a tiny little one that would just look like a blood clot, he stood in front of me helping me through it. All the nasty smells that were coming out of my body along with a bowl of my vomit, he never left my side and continued telling me that we were going to do this together. That night was when I felt the spirit the strongest in our home. . I felt as though my husband and I weren’t the only ones in that bathroom, but also my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even though it was hard, the spirit was so thick in that bathroom. Afterwards, I ate a small bowl of spaghettios and called it a night.

The next day was Memorial Day. I felt weak. We decided to take it easy so we rearranged our pictures on the wall and watched Netflix. A tiny trip to the dollar store and WalMart was even just a little too much on my weak body.

I thought that would be the end of that, but still after over a month, the emotional and mental toll this has taken in my life has been such a whirlwind. If I could explain it in one sentence, I would. But it is not that easy. If I had the time to write down all the emotions I am feeling, this would become a book not a blog post. But here are some of the ways I felt. I couldn’t see anyone from my husband’s family for almost 2 weeks. Now I don’t hate my husband’s family at all if that’s what you’re thinking. The reason was that I just couldn’t do it. I knew someone might put attention on me in front of everyone asking, “oh sweetie, how are you? Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” and I just couldn’t do that. I was so emotionally unstable that I knew I would either say something rude to them or cry hysterically. When we finally did go see them my husband asked that they don’t mention a word about the miscarriage. He knew that would destroy me.

Church was horrible. This miscarriage really tested my faith because honestly, I had no desire to go to church and suffer while watching young moms and their cute babies be all happy. During Sunday school there was a young mom in front of me with some of the happiest and cutest twin baby boys. I sat there attempting to be happy for this girl I didn’t even know, but it got too hard. Why did she get to have cute babies and I don’t? The jealousy was raging at that moment. I left and cried in the mother’s lounge for a good 20 minutes. Although Sundays usually ended up like this, they also testified that Heavenly Father knew what I was going through. We went to Tucson to see my niece get blessed in church and one of the speakers talked about her troubles with infertility in the past. She had many miscarriages and even had to turn to fertility treatments. Throughout this process she was teaching full time at a local school with a principal that did not like or rarely allow teachers to work part time. The school soon got a new principal and boom. She was pregnant! And the new principle let her work part time so she could stay home more with her new baby. The story touched me and I could see that she had to face many trials before it was the right time for her to have that baby. I cried (it’s a bit better now) over everything. Nights were always the worst. I didn’t want to keep my husband up because he works early, but nighttime is when my thoughts never stopped. They would just go and go and go until I went crazy and cried. Again! I would have about 2 good days and then the 3rd day is when I went crazy again. It was hard. There are still nights were my husband will have to hold me while I cry it all out.

Throughout this though we found out that my brother-in-law had to undergo chemo treatments. That opened up my eyes a bit more. I don’t know if I could handle the trial my sister and him were going through. We also heard of stories of young babies passing away in church talks and I thought to myself, “those poor moms”. It made me a tiny bit more grateful for the trial I was having and enabled me to, in a way, understand what they were going through. It also made me see that I am not the only one, but that also someone out there has it worse than I do.The last and toughest trial coming from this was hearing that a good friend of ours was expecting. This couple is pretty close to us and live out of town. They came to visit and told us the news. I knew they were scared to tell us because of how I could’ve reacted. I could see it on their faces, but I could also feel the excitement in their voices. They were so excited to tell us! I honestly and truly was happy for them. Back in my mind though, I was mad. Angry. Jealous. Why does she get to be pregnant? The thought, “if I was still pregnant our babies would only be a month apart”. That night is when I had a big breakdown and decided to start writing my story. I typed away for the next half hour just writing my feelings and thoughts.

Another one told us their exciting pregnancy news only a few days after. By this time I had just gotten over the first pregnancy news. I was thinking, “are you kidding me Heavenly Father? Just when I get over it and became happy for this couple You have to shove another pregnant lady in my face”? I was straight up mad. I was jealous. So jealous that I didn’t have a baby in me and these girls did. I craved for that excitement of being pregnant again. I craved having my husband rub my belly and kiss it goodnight. I yelled and said hurtful things about these girls and not because I hate them. I actually love these girls a lot! But I said these things out of frustration and little faith in Heavenly Father. I even considered not going to future big events in order to avoid seeing these girls and their pregnancy glows. I didn’t want to hear people tell them, “I am so excited for you! When are you due? Are you having any symptoms?” because I wanted people to ask me that instead. Jealousy was eating at my every thought.


You’re probably wondering when I will end this post. Hahaha trust me. I didn’t expect it to be this long either! But this actually brings us to the present. July 12, 2017. I wanted to end this story by letting women out there who may be going through the same thing or have and still feel it’s effects that it is okay. It is okay to cry and be angry! I talked with a church leader who gave me incredible advice. He said, “these emotions you are feeling are normal. Heavenly Father’s plan included emotions. Can you imagine having a loved one pass away and you feel nothing? That would be horrible! When this sadness or anger comes, let it come. Let it come into you, but do not dwell on it or even eat at it. We all need to feel emotions, but we also need to know when to show them the door”. Those words of peace were inspired. Let those emotions come because they are natural. I am so grateful that we do have emotions instead of being lifeless creatures.
This miscarriage has helped me to put my trust in my Heavenly Father more than ever. There has been times when I was so mad at Him that I didn’t want to pray to Him. Even times where I questioned if I should go back to church and still follow His commandments. Why would He make me hurt so bad if He loved me? I knew He loved me one night when my husband and I crawled into bed and couldn’t stop counting our blessings. The list kept going on. We realized even more that yes, Heavenly Father gave us a trial, but also that he gave us air bags of blessings to cushion it. Although I am still feeling the effects of it all, I can never deny that Heavenly Father really does love me. Falling to my knees in pure desperation to be happy, to know the reason why I miscarried, and to just love these girls in my life that are pregnant was the hardest. I did it though and with my husband by my side.

I am so grateful for this trial. I still don’t know the reason why it happened and is still happening, but I do know there is a reason. That light bulb of why will come on when I need it to come on. I know that we will have kids one day! Although I still cry and have my moments, I am grateful for this all. I have never felt closer to my Savior. I have never felt closer to my husband! He can honestly say that he has seen me at such low points and has brought me back up. My husband has held me so hard that the pain goes away. I can’t imagine those long nights without Phil telling me everything will be okay. Without him telling me this is normal. I knew my husband loved me before, but now that love has increased tremendously and I know it even more. D. Todd Christopherson taught, “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem". I know those words are true. So hang in there, breathe, let the emotions come, show them the door, and be yourself.

*If you are experiencing the trial of losing someone or are facing depression, please do not hesitate to seek professional help*


  1. Your faith is so inspiring, Robyn! I miss being around you and being able to feel that faith! Thank you for sharing your story.

    -Charly Parkinson

  2. This is so beautifully written, although heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss. Even though I had my miscarriage in 2014, I still tear up with other's losses, or referring to my own. It definitly gets easier over time, but the ache to hold that baby is always there. Thank you so much for sharing your story - it's wonderful that more and more people are sharing and helping to reduce the stigma associated with loss.

    Stephanie @

    1. Thank you for the comment! And yes, I didn't realize how many women go through this until I experienced it myself. Its crazy and I just hope other women out there can get through it by reading other's stories.